till.the.sun.grows.cold

Monday, May 23, 2005

[[never knowing what love could be]]

i wish i could just shut my mouth. all that seems to come out are lies. lies, lies and more lies. i've become such a good liar that i don't even have to think before i lie anymore. i just open my mouth and out the lies come.

got to sleep in a bit today, before waking up to go nic's place. man we wasted so much time! i was there for about 7 hours and only managed to do about 1 hour worth of work. it was pretty fun though. and thanks nic for helping with the new template! haha it's so nice to talk to her. man i wish i was a guy, then i could marry her. hehe. we couldn't concentrate on out work and kept on getting interrupted with random discussions. haha. next time we HAVE to focus. PERSERVERE. lol.

alvin annan came to pick me up from nic's place and we drove to peirce reservoir park. the rest of the family were already there, at this low grassy area you can only access by climbing(or rolling) down a slope. i climbed down for a few mins, asked them why no one was with my uncle (he's too sick to climb down) and got told that i should go if i didn't wanna leave him alone. so i grabbed a nugget for him and climbed all the way back up again. haha i think i looked like an idiot. phone in one hand, tissue encased nugget in the other, jeans sliding down my butt, grasping at the grass, trying to pull myself up the almost vertical slope(was too lazy to go the long way).lol. well i finally made it only to receive a phone call from my cousin below asking me to take the fries too. screw them. haha. so i stayed up there sitting on the grass with my uncle, just watching them play below, and just talking to him. i haven't spent this kind of quality time with him in so long. sigh. sad to say, but i think he was more of a father figure to me than my fater ever was, even that one time when he brought me down to the police station threatening to lock me up when i wouldn't stop crying.
it was such a nice evening. the sun wasn't too hot, the wind was just right and the view was fabulous. i asked why stinky cousin didn't come and my uncle told me he was being antisocial. then i asked where my father was. "Your mother probably told him not to come. she told him there was no space in the car." i could feel the familiar prickling at the back of my eyes. i thought i had locked away these issues in sec 2. i guess not. i thought i had finally stopped caring. i guess not. hateithateithateit. i don't know why she does this to him. he's already living here, with her family, why does she do these kind of things. doesn't she realise how it affects other people, namely her children. does she think i'm ok with choosing betweem the two of them. and the ultra sad thing is, i have been in a way conditioned -brave new world style- if i had to choose, i don't think the decision will be difficult in terms of what i would prefer. and i hate knowing that. i spent the next few minutes zoning out. there was this girl playing kites with her father just a few metres away. i've always wondered what having a normal father-daughter relationship would feel like. i've never known. i look at a lot of people, and it seems that i'm missing out on a lot. but i don't think i should be complaining? i donno. it's like the "be thankful that you don't have shoes to wear, there are some people who don't have feet" i guess.

i'm so scared

i don't want to turn out like her

but i think it's happening

i treat people like shit

i'm sorry

so so sorry

i think i'm gonna treat him like shit too

whoever he is

i don't want to
but i'm scared i will

anyway after i convinced myself to stop thinking about things that will probably never change, i saw this old guy, his wife and what looked like their grandkids walking past. the kids were so cute so i smiled and the boy. he got so shy! haha. then the guy started talking to us. all of a sudden he turned to my uncle and went "are you mr rueben?". haha and my uncle was like ya. turns out this guy, mr nair, used to be the principal of the primary school opposite our house. he knew my uncle cos my uncle used to be some rc commitee person and they worked together. so they started talking about what they're doing now and stuff. then the guy turned to me and started talking about how heavy his days were last timeand i just smiled and nodded along. his grandkids were so cute! haha i started thinking about whether he was related to pradeep, what with the nair and the good speaking skills and stuff(does that kind of stuff run in the family?). turns out pradeep knows him but he's not sure if they're related :S haha.

well after that we all went home for dinner. i had to put my jeans for washing :( cos of all the mud that got on it when i was attempting to scale the mountain.okok the slope. haha. i was aiming to surpass my 6 month record of having unwashed jeans. missed it by a week. damn.

in our family portrait
we look pretty happy
let's play pretend
let's act like it comes naturally

we don't even have a family portrait.

tags
tj- ur such a lazy piggy.
sharm- ohmigod you talk too much. i forgot abt the prizegiving thing. damn. ya my sch is old. and i'm damn proud of it. haha
sb-yes! i do! haha
nic- ya la ya la. can fix my template. but can't put ur own tagboard in. hahaha
yihui- oops. ok. i'll try to make it bigger. cos in my last template the next bigger size was too big for my liking. haha
sharm- sheesh.tone down the modesty.
bek- haha i love it too..ahhh can't wait for wed!

[walking with you]*|9:08 PM|